July 16, 2003
Grinding days.
The last couple of days have been incredibly difficult, especially today. Between news like "Senate Rejects Iraq Intelligence Commission" and Dubya's smug, smirking face on every television, reading the news is depressing enough. On top of that, though, I missed a medication dose on Saturday. I suffer from clinical depression; missing a dose doesn't have an immediate effect, rather it is delayed as the levels of neurotransmitter slowly respond to the lack of the chemical that had been keeping them high. Today was the first day it really started to hit me.
Jim Capozzola certainly knows whereof I speak. He is apparently dealing with even more than I am at this point. I do have to say, though, that one should not be too hard on those who don't "get" biologically-based depression. I have found that it is something that is almost completely indescribable to someone who hasn't experienced it. On the other hand, to someone who has experienced it, almost nothing need be said; they understand instantly. But why should those without depression really understand it, if they don't have to deal with it daily? Better for everyone if they don't, I think. I would certainly not wish this on anyone. Of course, it is natural to expect that those close to one might be more considerate than to demand that one not be "sitting on [one's] duff all the time." That behavior, though, just shows crass inconsideration, born out of ignorance of what depression really is.
I have tried to describe my depression to others, from time to time. I stopped, though, when I brought my wife to tears. It's difficult enough that I have to deal with it constantly; why should those around me have to understand it as well as I do? Depression is hell itself, or worse. Having my loved ones really understand it doesn't help me and it hurts them.
Times like this, though, are incredibly difficult. Moreso, I think, because now I know what it's like to not be locked in the hellish cycle of horror. Still, I do know that this time will be over, which is a lot more than I once knew. Not so long ago, a time like this lasted for weeks, months, sometimes a year or longer, without respite. Now the worst may last as long as a day. Medication and therapy have indeed made a difference. Maybe that's what both Jim and I need to think about.
I do "get" depression. But I'm also working on having a life despite it.