I protest.

Rights of fathers versus "Fathers' rights."

Trish Wilson read my entry from yesterday, "Fathers' Rights and other lies" and responds in an entry of her own: The Fathers' Rights Movement. She agrees that "the abusive, control-freak type of men who overwhelmingly populate the more noxious father's rights groups ... do not get custody of their children because they are not good fathers." She goes on to say, though, that most fathers do not get custody of their children because their (former) spouse was obviously the primary caregiver and that ninety percent of divorces settle out of court, with both parties agreeing that the mother should receive custody. That is as may be. I don't disagree with Trish, it is simply that these people were not the people to whom I referred when I said, "If your ex-wife gets sole custody, maybe you should consider that it might be because you're not such a good father ... ."

The people I was referring to are the men who, when they lose custody, blame anyone, anything and everything they can think of, rather than taking responsibility for their own actions. They are the men who have not worked "towards bona-fide, equally shared parenting or primary caregiving from the moment their children [were] born." I must say that I have had no children of my own, but I have been a stepfather (since divorced, unfortunately) and I have acted in loco parentis when my now ex-girlfriend was basically made an invalid by acute pancreatitis. I love children and have longed for kids of my own. When I see fathers neglecting their duty to their children, abusing their children's trust and then, as if that wasn't bad enough, blaming the mother for their own misdeeds, I become very, very angry.

In my previous entry I intimated that my own childhood was not the best. In fact, my father was abusive and my mother was, to quite a great extent, just not there, emotionally. The needs I had as a child went unmet. Rather than propagating that behavior (as my father did) though, I have chosen to overcome my past. As I intimated, it is very difficult, but I will be a good father, an infinitely better father than my own, or I will literally die trying. I have a chance now for my first real family and I will not blow it.

Then I read these "fathers' rights" idiots ranting and raving about "feminism" this and "discrimination" that. I read them blame the world for their own faults, in the process using their children for their own ultimately narcissistic ends. My disgust at their antics is deep indeed. While I work to overcome my disabilities, they glory in theirs. I spit on them and on their societies. I spit on their conceit and their specious self-justifications.

After my own direct and indirect experiences with family law, I recognize that women are almost invariably at a disadvantage. Groups like NOW and others are there to compensate for some of that disadvantage. Not to "cheat men," not to "destroy fatherhood," but to help women who need the help, who have fewer resources and more responsibilities than the men who try to take advantage of them. That's why I support those groups and oppose groups like those in the "fathers' rights" camp.

My basic philosophy is actually pretty simple. I take responsibility for myself and my own actions. I blame no one else for my behavior and I do not seek to justify it. I know the difference between what is good and what is not and I try as hard as I can to do good rather than bad. I recognize that I'm only human and that I'll make mistakes, but that that is no reason not to continue to strive for the best. I try not to hold anyone else to as high a standard as I hold myself but I do expect others to hold themselves to high standards. I further expect those in positions of power and responsibility to hold themselves to the highest standard. I do not lie, I do not cheat. I recognize that this life is the only life there is and if we don't live this life the best we are able, there are no second chances. I know that we are all made of the remains of stars and that we need no greater miracle.

Given that philosophy, the claims of the "fathers' rights" groups are so much noise. The problem is in their use of children to support their own selfish agendas and their use of their power as men in our society to bully women. For that they deserve nothing but my condemnation.